Can Fighting be Good?

Many couples come to me on the heels of ongoing conflict. Communication has become ineffective with each partners' real concerns going unaddressed. They have an established pattern of arguing, escalating and never feeling like they are heard or there is closure. This pattern can become overwhelming when we are in a long-term relationship because we can feel increasingly buried under a mountain of unresolved issues. Eventually all we see are these unresolved issues and all we feel is the heavy weight of being under the heavy load of resentment. At some point we lose sight of the underlying concerns altogether and live as if the reactions are the problem, effectively going nowhere. It can be easy to focus on angry, confusing or explosive reactions as if it's the actual problem rather than maintaining a cool-enough head to ask ourselves what is really causing these issues and how to use them as an opportunity for growth. This is a common state of affairs on day 1 of coaching a couple. 

In coaching we explore the reality that every time we are highly reactive it is because we are being triggered by something from our past. It is perfectly understandable to be upset by a myriad of issues, after all merging lives with someone is not easy. But when our reaction is out of proportion with the actual issue underneath, it is likely being fueled by some emotional baggage we carry from the past. When it happens to you, you may not realize it is out of proportion, it just feels like the truth. But through the coaching relationship we partner to create space for a broader awareness. As awareness grows, the emotional charge lessens and our view naturally widens so that we are able to see some other possible perspectives. We begin to accept that all humans come with beliefs born in the past and we can explore both our own and our partners'.

Fighting is actually a very healthy aspect of relationships. No two people come to the table with identical perspectives on life. Fighting means you deeply care about something. It is when couples don't fight that growing together becomes more challenging. Learning to fight productively can be a great tool for creating a new belief system together based on where you are now and where you want to go. This new belief system forms the scaffolding for the combined view of the couple. The seemingly disproportional reaction to the initial issue is actually a signpost to a trigger. When we learn to notice triggers, we are able to find a more effective way of communicating the same issue and thus the all-too-familiar pattern of arguing and miscommunication doesn't get engaged in the first place. We bypass fighting and start communicating.

Through coaching, we explore why it is that our concerns really bother us and we become able to find creative solutions that may not have occurred to us from the mindset we had when we first encountered this type of problem. We can begin to see the areas of conflict and stress in our relationships as what is available to be gained instead of what is missing. This is a crucial shift, and one that allows for mutual growth and even an enjoyment of and excitement about the process. We start looking for synergistic solutions as the couple begins to feel like a team. Fighting can actually be a gift, both signaling we still care while at the same time presenting a door right into the heart of the issues that matter most. Couples coaching teaches us how to recognize and walk through that door with purpose and clarity.