Realizing Happiness:

Break Free of Destructive Behavior Patterns

Do you ever find yourself repeating the same old patterns in relationships, then wondering why things never change?

It may be with your spouse, children, parents, co-workers or friends; old patterns repeatedly play out with everyone in our lives. Do power struggles with your teen or arguments with your partner end in utter frustration or complete shutdown, leaving you feeling lonely, regretful and hopeless? You are not alone, not only is this common, it is what’s supposed to happen when you’re not paying attention.

After millions of years of evolution, your brain is literally following the path of least resistance. Instead of responding to every situation in life as completely new, analyzing and implementing the best response each time, our brains use previously accumulated data (past experience, things we’ve seen, heard etc..) to create shortcuts. Our brains need to respond incredibly quickly so what it does is categorize, label and act. Once circuits are formed through our senses and experience, they become habits and all other possibilities are bypassed in the name of efficiency. It is like a horse with blinders on, we are steered toward what is considered the most crucial information and prevented from being distracted by all the other information out there. Brains are concerned with being as efficient as possible, compressing memories for better storage, making choices to conserve energy, thereby allowing for a burst of energy when needed and making statistically favorable predictions. This energy saving, self-regulating hard drive in our head isn’t always prioritizing our relationships or our happiness. The brain has been perfecting its technique throughout our evolution...it does a very good job. 

But there is hope...

If long-evolved brain processes are so deeply ingrained as electrical pathways, how can we ever break free and get around these forces? As humans have evolved, and social and relational circumstances become increasingly important, our brains have developed a more recent addition, the pre-frontal cortex. The pre-frontal cortex handles executive function, overriding those firmly entrenched patterns by applying logic, reason and heart to our more primitive instincts and emotions. This newer area of our brain when consciously engaged, interrupts the auto-pilot that keeps us stuck in repeating patterns. Ultimately humans are evolving towards operating synergistically with each other and thereby reaching previously unknown heights by perfecting the balance between our more primitive instinctual brain functions and our more recent, social and relational decision making abilities. Shining a light on a specific issue by bringing awareness, intention and focus is the first step. 

We also have a heart. The heart is a powerful tool, but often overlooked. All other body systems (brain, circulation, pulse, breathing, oxygen level, hormones etc...) are controlled by it. Cues from the heart produce a cascade of effects throughout our bodies and due to it’s size, power and foundational importance, the rest of the body quickly falls in line with the heart. The heart is truly an ancient and mysterious organ, celebrated and respected in many cultures worldwide. It spontaneously emerges into existence in the womb after only a few weeks of gestation, long before any other organs including the brain. I like to think of the heart as the mother of all other body organs, they eventually operate semi-autonomously but get their start and lifelong influence from the heart. 

So what can we do?

Let’s use our knowledge of heart and brain to exert some control on our deeply ingrained patterns. As soon as you notice feeling anxious, frustrated, angry, hopeless, depressed etc...

1. Pause - own what you are feeling and actually state it to yourself. Sit with it. Accept it. Awareness forces the brain to freeze and get ready to re-evaluate the currently running script.

2. Shift focus from head to heart. Take 5-10 deep breaths, in through the nose, out through the mouth with the focus remaining on your heart. Engaging the parental power of the heart to calm the body will rapidly bring all systems into a coherent rhythm, thereby allowing an expansion of perspective (taking the blinders off).

3. Think about an experience you’ve had that made you feel happy, light, powerful or exhilarated. Spend a minute or two trying to re-live that experience and really feel the feelings. Do this until you get that inner sense of smiling or feeling good associated with the experience. This forces the brain to bypass the old script that is running by first calming the body and then changing the underlying emotion to something good which changes your focus to a positive feeling and enlarges your perception of the possibilities. (with the blinders off, you now start to see other options)

4. Now come back to the issue at hand, the one that caused your pattern to engage. Imagine this issue was brought to you by a friend in need. Ask yourself what advice you might give to your friend? - Stepping outside the box of meaning you assigned to this issue and taking some of that feeling of significance out of it will help you gain perspective. Maybe you will even be able to laugh at yourself for getting stuck here. Try to see the big picture, the ten-thousand foot view. (objectively consider other possibilities) 

With the significance you gave to the issue lowered, the overall effect on hormone production, heart racing and fight or flight signals neutralized, and the ability to widen your perspective that was achieved through your focus on a positive experience, your brain is now able to loosen it’s tight grip on the habitual pattern for this emotion and allow just enough space for you to:

5. Ask yourself

• What are some other ways I can respond (and not blindly react) here that will cause the least amount of negativity now and in the future?

• What is really important in the big picture here? What can I do right now that is true to that end?

Remember to stay focused on listening for answers from your heart, your gut, not the chatter from your head. Stay connected with that deep knowing of what’s right. 

If you practice these 5 steps often (beginning with less deeply-rooted issues and working towards bigger ones) you will notice the patterns and old scripts start to become more malleable. You are creating the space to try a new script. At first your primitive brain will resist, it will inundate you with seemingly persuasive data refuting the new possibilities and rationalizing the old ways. Expect that, it is the natural first step in breaking a habit, press forward anyway. Over time this process itself will become a go-to way to deal with difficult emotions. The wider view you will get illuminates new possibilities for how to respond and in turn form new, more desirable patterns. With a little persistence these new ways of dealing with negative emotions will become integrated into your automatic responses leading you to feel a deep alignment between your values, actions and results. This feeling is what we call happiness. 

We can break old unhealthy patterns that keep us stuck in those same old hurts. We can form new ones based on what really matters to us rather than on our old fears. What it takes is awareness, intention and focus­--and of course a little persistence. It is the vibrance of this process, the steering of your own ship through turbulent waters that feels like happiness. It's the joy of being an active participant in living. You may also find that as you do this, others around you are inspired to do the same. So just as the heart influences the brain and body, so can you influence the world all around you.